Of Failure

At 35, I can readily say that I have encountered failure many times. With broken relationships, petty quarrels, impulsive choices in career and in clothes, I can also say that I have made the best out of what I failed. Today, I failed once again. You would think that it will be easier on how to handle such a depressing event after experiencing it dozens of times, but it doesn’t.

Each failure in my life, still hurt. Not as much but it still stings. The past few blunders I made were unexpected. I learned my lesson. This time, I did my best to cover all the possible loopholes. I gave it my all and my efforts were not wasted when the public school teacher ranking was posted. I ranked first and was patiently waiting for the call that will propel me to a new life. I thanked God and placed my faith in Him to do what is best for me and my family.

I was too confident. I was too cocky. I was too complacent. Just because I was included in the category A, it didn’t mean that I would be automatically hired. When I went to the division office of the Department of Education this morning, I found out that they didn’t call me because I was not needed. My application was not considered because they were not looking for teachers of my field (Technology and Livelihood Education-Business Management/Finance).

I’m devastated. I could not stop crying. I tried my best to be strong but I felt like someone just propelled me high up into the clouds and as I fell, I realized, there was only the ground to break my fall.

I was informed to wait and that maybe within this year, a natural vacancy will open up. I nodded to the person-in-charge that I understood what she was telling me. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just that the public schools were not looking for teachers in my subject area.

I left the office in a haze of embarrassment, shame and despair. My former school thought I would get in easily. My relatives thought the same thing as well. My parents, too. I am such a failure at this. I can hear my mom in my head telling me she told me so and how wrong I was for putting all my eggs in one basket.

So here I am, wallowing. Trying to make sense of what I’m going to do next.

What are my options?

1. Start my own tutorial services. I can ask my cousins for referrals and charge per hour. I don’t even know what’s the going rate for tutors nowadays.
2. Get a part-time teaching job. I enlisted the help of one of my aunts and she told me if there’s an opening, I can apply for a position.
3. Look online and apply for other teaching positions. Sadly, I’m actually still hopeful that I will get that call from the division office and if so, I can’t be employed in another school as a full-time teacher because that would require me to stay until the end of the schoolyear.
4. Work online. BFFs Gra and Jen are handy helpers in this area. I have the experience, anyway.
5. Work abroad. My mom’s been dying to get me to do this. However, my main concern is Heaven. Should I pursue this, can I bring her along or do I leave her behind?
6. Work with Globe again. A few of my previous co-workers who resigned from Globe are now back. Most of my friends are still with Globe and are encouraging me to return. This will mean moving back to Manila.

Maybe I’ll just do #1 and #2. I think that would be in line of my profession and can continue to make me a better educator. Maybe I’m not ready for the public school system. Maybe God has other plans for me.

I’m now about to write my application letter as a part-time teacher.

Please guide me, Lord.