Enigmatic Eight

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en·ig·mat·ic (adjective) – mysterious, puzzling, difficult to understand

example:  At 8 years old, I can describe my daughter as enigmatic.

Yes, at this tender age, Heaven boggles my mind. She is moody, bossy and mean. I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t even know what’s wrong or what is causing this fierce personality to come out of my daughter. And I asked, believe me, I asked. She gave me mundane and silly reasons that I cannot fathom the logic behind my queries.

I find myself wishing I can turn back time when she was a biddable and pleasant child. Ugh!

I do recognize that she want to be independent (and she is) but she hardly has a sense of control. She now goes out of the house and hangs out with her friends within our subdivision but nowhere I have been. I’m scared half the time when she goes out. Accidents, dog bites and other things go through my mind making me anxious to have her back home.

So this summer, I decided to enroll her to a swim class. She liked this. Sadly it was only for 10 days. Although now, she can swim like a mermaid.

After the swim class, I entertained her with painting, dancing and the occasional mall date. Then I enrolled her to piano and voice classes but her lessons only happen twice a week. This means having a mini war with her each time I don’t give in to her demands during the rest of the week.

She is spoiled by all of us at home but I can’t really do much about it. She’s the only kid. Even when we treat her like an adult sometimes, she is still a kid and she gets cranky, hungry and throws tantrums that drives me crazy.

But I love her.

So I pray that this phase passes soon. We do have her recital and an out-of-town invite with her godmother in May to look forward to. Still, I can only hope that she will outgrow this 8 year old phase and become my loving Bumblebee again.

Of Expectations

tumblr_mj38r5ipeg1qe5ms4o1_400“Good things come to those who wait.”

“Don’t expect anything so you won’t get disappointed.”

“Claim it. It’s yours.”

“Act as if it already happened and it will.”

Contradictory? Yes. I am now at another crossroad in my life. I keep returning to this place. It’s practically like I’m coming home to it.

This is bad, right?

Where do I go from here? I don’t know.

I made some plans to go back to Manila. If I want change, I have to take a leap of faith once again. It’s as if I’m not moving anywhere when I’m here in CDO. Seriously, after 6 years, there should have been something major new changes but there’s none.

In that span, my BFFs got new lovers, new babies, celebrated anniversaries and now has a daughter in college!

Is it just my attitude? Am I too scared to do things that would risk everything else? Maybe. However, I yearn for change. A new pace. A new place. A new start.

Even the Best Man (who by the way, accepted my friend request and even took the time to chat with me even if I’m like this), got his restart in another country. In a way, I envy him.

I applied for work in Manila already and I plan to transfer there around mid-April. I know that my Dad’s heart is breaking over this decision of mine but I need to do this. I don’t know if he’ll understand it, but I know that he’ll support me anyway. This actually breaks my heart, too.

However, I don’t want to be depressed over this matter. I need to be cheerful and optimistic, right?

Should I expect that all of these things will go as planned? Or should I just give up and break my Mom’s heart in the process?

Expectations, hopes, dreams. It’s all the same. I can only offer all of these to God and pray that somehow, I’m on the right path which He planned for me to be on, right from the start.

Broke

I am broke. Temporarily. I have less than a hundred pesos on my ATM.

My salaries haven’t been processed yet. I have no idea when it will. I guess this means no vacation for me and Heaven. I have to earn somehow. I have bills to pay and necessities to buy.

Yet I’m glad for this. I spend more time learning who my daughter is. And she is becoming a bundle of energy and love. She has my spirit and passion. Yet she is totally different from me. We can never be two peas on a pod. She has her own unique style. It’s amazing to witness.

I am thankful, I am blessed.

Money can’t buy everything and it’s true.

I’m broke but I’m not broken.

Patience is waiting calmly

Be still and be patient.

I’m not exactly a patient person. If I’m not mistaken, I already confessed this more than once in my blog. However, I try.

It’s a struggle.

Since my last visit to the DepEd office last week, I haven’t received the text message from them, informing me that a school is now ready to take me in. I was informed to simply prepare my requirements but there were no clear instructions as to when I’m supposed to submit them and all that.

Ugh.

Patience is a virtue.

I already looked up the telephone number of the division office but it was not listed on the phonebook. The numbers online were disconnected. I am really worried and scared.

I have decided to simply pray today and wait. Calmly.

But I’m panicking. I am so panicking.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I will pray now and try to be calm. Try to be patient.