Silence

Now that I’m in an online relationship with My Guy, it has been going quite well.

We have been communicating on a daily basis and I would like to think it brought us closer, meaning we are getting to know each other better. But I also realized that you can’t really know a person that well until you have met them in real life and spent time with them.

So, we made plans to meet and although it won’t be any time soon, it is something I am definitely looking forward to.

In the meantime, we do what we both can and spend time with one another.

Today, I also learned that daily communication is hard to maintain. My Guy has other things to do and me, being me, expected too much. Yes, I am guilty of waiting for him.

I did my best to keep myself busy but as hours passed, I got worried. Could something have gone wrong? Was he okay?

Throw in our time difference and my fear of him not feeling well (as he was not for the past two days), my brain has racked up terrible scenarios.

I try even more to think positive thoughts and pray about it and still I am worried.

Which is why I’m here, blogging how I’m feeling.

I also know this is a test. Relationships go through this. Testing the trust, testing the faith, testing the emotions and choices that actually fuel the connection.

I pray that we will survive this test.

My Princess 9

At 9 years old, you would think that my daughter would be more responsible and more obedient but the reality of it all is that she’s pretty much the same as when she was 8. Which is actually good except when it’s not.

As a parent, I know I have certain expectations from her and although I try my best not to make her feel obligated to fulfill them, I realized that I still find a way to do so. This in turn makes her grouchy and whiney.

I can only fault myself and social media.

Why social media? Well, she finds out numerous things online which clearly influences her taste in music, clothes and hobbies. I used to play with her and her Barbie dolls but now, she would rather curl up in a corner and watch something on YouTube. Obviously, the videos she watch were more entertaining than me.

We used to take a lot of selfies together and now, she begrudgingly accommodates me when I ask her to take one with me. Thank you, Instagram for deeming me not instagrammable in the eyes of my child.

The larger part to blame is myself. I try to be there for her but I should try harder. As a single mother, I do feel that all the responsibility in making her a better person is really just on me. Whoever said that raising a child takes a whole village was not accurate. Inevitably, it all goes back to how your parents raised you or didn’t raise you to shape the potential human you can become.

Sometimes, when my daughter makes a mistake, I would feel eyes of people on me as if they’re asking themselves, “How did she raise that child to be like that?” and other sentiments. Of course. I could just be paranoid but I’m sure some of you have felt this. And honestly, in that moment is when I feel I’m weakest. I feel helpless and idiotic.

I do wonder how other parents do it. Other single moms who can manage their own brood without breaking a sweat. I know that I’m obviously doing something wrong but I can only strive to do better. I try to remind myself that even with all my blunders and stupid mistakes in parenting, I have this amazing little human who is brave, daring and joyful.

So I guess we should celebrate little victories. When she gets a perfect score in a quiz, I praise her and lift her up. When she gets hurt and cries, I tell her it’s okay and that we just need to learn from our mistakes so it won’t happen again.

I also realize that she won’t be 9 years old forever. No matter how much I wish her to stay my baby, in a matter of years, she will soon be a young lady and the teenage years will be upon us.

I am so not looking forward to that stage.

Raising a child takes a lot of patience, prayers and perseverance. And if you have someone to share this burden with, you are blessed. I’m just glad my family have always been an army of support. Seriously, I could not have done this without them and God.

My Guy

I want to be vague. Cryptic even. Yet I can’t.

I met someone online. It’s totally cliché coz it seemed something I would find endearing in a romance novel.

With the prevalent stories of online scams, you would think I would be scared to venture into the online dating world again.

Thankfully, I took the risk. Grabbed the chance to try one more time.

I can now declare that 2019 was a year full of blessings. Travel, dating and making new friends have made it extremely memorable.

I did encounter a slump from the dating and it was alright. I got to spend time with friends and family instead.

As I slowly made my way back into opening myself to new possibilities, I also found myself having fun and learning what it was I truly wanted when it comes to love.

I soon came to know a man who seeks a second chance at life and at love. What I knew on his dating profile were the basics. As we started conversing, I learned to know him.

They say that love comes at the right time with the right person. I believe this is true. Some people we have met and fallen in love with at certain point of our lives were exactly the people we needed at that time.

Yet we all change. Some for the better and some for worse. Thus some people becomes only a chapter in our own lives.

However, some people are meant to stay and become more than a chapter. They get to embed themselves into your life that they also help you write a whole new book.

My Guy, he’s had that. Something like that is rare and special. On the other hand, I have never had that.

I have been a chapter in some other person’s book and those were experiences that taught me a lot. As I continue to write my own story with God’s wisdom and guidance, I now face this new chapter.

I don’t want him to be a chapter though. There is that. I want it all. And I know I’ll have it all this year.

My Guy may not know it, but I have claimed him to be mine.

So, nothing official but I can clearly state that my heart is taken and clearly unavailable to anyone except for My Guy.

Missing Chikki

Dearest Echik,

Happy birthday!

I know you’re well. You’re with Jesus and truly happy with Him.

I’m writing to tell you that I miss you. I miss you so much.

A lot of things have happened and some of those things, I need your guidance and advice.

I will not write it here because I know you know what I mean.

Liam is growing up well. You can thank Josh and Chongee for that. They look out for him and care for him. Of course, only you can love him the best.

When we were there in Manila, I did my best to shower him with all the love you would have wanted him to feel. He’s a great kid, Chik. You should be proud.

He takes after you. He’s so tall. He’s now 4 ft and 9 inches at 9 years old. 2 more inches and we will have the same height.

I just want you to know that I miss you. Please continue to look after our family, especially Mommy.

I think that I’m liking someone and I hope you’ll look into his heart and find out for me if we are a match. I guess it is something we both failed to experience, the love of a good man. So I don’t know if this is a chance for me to have that for both of us.

I miss you. I know you will be the first to tell me if I’m being weird about the things happening or if I should just surrender it all to God. I’m sorry your older sister simply can’t leave it alone. This is why I still look to you for advice.

Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me always.

Happy birthday, my Chikki.

Love,

Ate Jing