I think as a person, I’m one of the greediest people alive. My greed is not for wealth but mainly for love and attention from people who don’t really care that much for me. The age old question is why do I still want what little scraps of attention and love they throw over at my face?
The answer is simple. I want to win them.
Is it innate? Maybe it is. This desire to conquer the impossible, to surpass the unsurmountable, to reach the unreachable star (thanks, Impossible Dream). It could also just be me. Not that I hate losing but I hate giving up and I have given up at my relationships several times and it hurts, a lot.
So now, I am yearning to be noticed and when I get noticed, I get so happy like I’m on a high. Then when it stops, I get so down. Crap. I’m an addict.
The reason I’m writing here is the mere tiny incident that the Best Man actually liked my posts on Facebook. Stupid, right? Very stupid. I’m so glad he doesn’t read my blog or I would literally hide under a rock and never be heard from again!
Oh and I also made an effort with R. I sent him a message asking how he was and all and then he replied, I’m ok. That’s it. Cold and uncaring. Why are guys like that?
Sigh. So the Best Man is still kind as ever. And I have to admit, although I know that liking him again is not allowed, I’m happy that he treats me as a friend still.
I’m greedy enough to want everything. Love from a guy who cares for the real me. I want that. I want him to love me, even if I’m immature and weak. I want him to be proud of me that I’m who I am now even after all the shit I have been through. I want him to stay with me even if I can’t cook and can’t make any plant grow. I want him to like me as a bestfriend, as a girlfriend, as a lover, as a mother and hopefully, as a wife.
I am older and wiser in some ways but I’m still clueless about love and how it envelops people to be partners for life. If given a chance at love again, I would grab it. But honestly, I’m scared as well. It now means opening myself all over again, to another person who can easily hurt me and break me. He could also be the only one to complete me.
For now, I’m greedy. I don’t care. I’m praying that for this vice, God will allow me to keep whatever I get, even if it only lasts for a little while.