When Mommy announced that she was having a new baby after Joshua was born, I was not exactly thrilled. It only meant that my nuclear family was shot to bits. It cemented the truth that my parents were not getting back together, ever.
Later on, I found out that she was having a baby girl. I met this news with both joy and grim. Joy because I will be having a little sister and grim because it meant, someone would replace me in my mother’s eyes as her beautiful daughter. I realized that I was not cut out for this big sister thingy.
When you arrived, everyone in the family could not help but gush as to how fair you were. You had the blackest and thickest straight hair and the whitest skin. Snow White would have died of envy. I was green with it and did not particularly liked having my thunder stolen from me.
Growing up, I brushed aside my feelings but once in a while, I was tortured to hear that you won this beauty pageant or that you were queen in a parade. I never did get to experience any of that. My only trophy was winning the healthiest baby on the block for some lame promotional stint sponsored by Nido (not really so sure anymore which brand).
However, years passed and those feelings soon turned to be petty and useless. I found out that you idolized me. You put me in a pedestal and in your eyes, I could do no wrong.
Sigh, I’m not perfect, Echik. I tried to be, especially for you, Joshua and Echong. If only I could turn back the clock and I can correct mistakes I made but I can’t. The only thing I can do was to learn from them.
In the end, I learned more from you. When you became an adult, you were amazing. Mature and poised, you calmly take any problem and find solutions for it. You are not one to wallow in pain or sorrow. I tend to do that (although I’m trying to break that habit).
Today, you would have turned 24 years old.
My tears can’t help but fall now as I write this, hoping that you do have internet in heaven and you can go online to read this.
I miss you. I wish that you could have gone on road trips with me and we could have went to beaches and everywhere else. I wish we could talk under the stars and continue to compare notes on how to raise our kids well.
These are simple things, stuff we could have shared. I so want to let you experience flaming shots and teach you how to party like there’s no tomorrow.
Today is your special day. I hope that one day, I won’t really feel so bad for losing you. It just hurts now because I don’t get to see you or hear your voice. I miss your comforting words that tell me I can get through anything.
I know that you’re in a better place. I mean where else could be better than heaven, right? I just want you to know that I did not forget you on your birthday and that I will always love you.
I carry you with me, in my heart. Forever.
Here’s Heaven and me with a happy birthday gag.