Dear Lola Love,
Hi. It’s me, your one and only Jingjing. I bet you didn’t see this coming, right? I know you know that someday I’ll be a mother but I’m pretty sure you thought I would end up with a husband, too. I think that I’m supposed to wait for him to look for me but in the meantime, I have your great-granddaughter Heaven to keep me company.
Lola, you would have loved playing with Heaven. She looks just like all of your daughters combined. In every photo, her face transforms to look like Tita Rozanne, Tita Joan, the twins, Tita Yoyi, Tita Ira and Tita Wink. The best part is that she looks just like Daddy. It’s uncanny.Right now, I’m a full-time mom to her. Giving birth to her was scary. It made me realize how much of a coward I was because you had 10 babies. You even gave birth to twins. Not that I want to top that but well, I salute you. More so on how you managed to take care of all of them. Although I knew you had help from Lolo Love but still, it’s a feat.
I miss you, Lola. Sometimes, I really don’t know what I’m doing. I miss your wisdom. You hardly say anything and yet when you do, they were the right words.
It’s actually awful. Now. Because you’re gone and suddenly my memories of you are slowly hard to recall. I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t think of you enough but as more and more things come to my mind, the best memories we had are oopushed back at the back of my mind.
Actually, the most vivid ones were those before you passed. Sometimes I catch myself remembering how you would ramble of old memories. I guess that’s comforting. At least before I die, I would get to remember the past more. I write this to you because I’m scared of dying.
I think that I should look forward to it. Not in the suicidal kind but in more of an everlasting kind of way. I will be meeting God and finally be with Him and all. Yet, the moments before that, like the darkness or when my mind tries to fight off deeath. I don’t know. Will I be scared? I’m frightened by the mere thought of nothingness. Yet when I’m old and lying on my bed (given God chooses that this is how I’ll leave), will I really have the will to fight or maybe I will simply be glad it’s finally over?
Anyway, as for now, I don’t really want to know the answer. I want to live’ For Heaven and for myself.
I know you are with Lolo Love, Tita Rozanne, Tita Joan, Tito Jim and Tito Jun. Playing mahjong, right?
We miss you terribly.
All my love,