so i have been doing some reading recently. the twilight saga. yesh i know. it’s very mushy. it’s sow me.

it’s something to keep me occupied and i’m glad. in the real world, the father of my baby who i shall now refer to “the one who cannot be named” is in love. did not come as a shock coz i expected this to happen. it pricked a bit but it’s cool. for a few moments, he did make me feel special. i’m just glad also in a way that he is now irrevocably out of my life.

me finding out that my ex had a new gf has more impact. i actually dread going back to my hometown with the possibility of seeing him with her, looking ever so in love and happy. shit.

and of course, to add that, i’m scared to actually face everybody home. will they look at me with pity? or label me as a failure? now i wonder what my bestfriends really feel about this. me in this situation. maybe they will be ashamed to be seen with me or something. cripes. this is totally depressing me.

It breaks your heart to see the one you love is happy
with someone else, but it’s more painful to know that
the one you love is unhappy with you.

i read this somewhere….and it’s really true. better to just let go than ask the person you love to stay but super unhappy with you…though of course, i can go selfish and insist on my own way. sigh. loving is hard. truly hard.


vivid dreams

so i heard that when you’re pregnant, you get the most vivid dreams. they forgot to tell me that they could be erotic. i read about baby dreams, labour dreams, women giving birth to full grown people, dreams on cars, buildings and others. they didn’t mention i could also dream of totally hot men!

it happened twice to me already. last week was this super duper hot mestizo guy who was uber tall and handsome. he looked like all my ex-boyfriends best feature combined.sigh. and in my dream he was my boyfriend and he couldn’t stop kissing me in public. plus, he doesn’t really care i’m pregnant.

then last night, i dreamt of Hugh Jackman. and he was also my boyfriend and even though we have a scene wherein he’s naked, we just laid beside each other, hugging and aaah! i was floating. like wow, what a body. he was also my boyfriend and in my dream, he asked me to marry him. yay! i was about to tell him yes when my aunt started aking me up coz we will be going to Gaya Street to look and buy stuff.

hihihihi…i totally loved my dreams.

in the real world, the father of my baby is now dating someone who i think will soon become his new gf. hats off to him. he can really easily find someone new so fast. in a way, i’m glad i guess. hopefully, his ex-gf will stop bashing me to everyone who wants to hear her tragic love story when she finally sees i’m not the one who replaced her.

sometimes, i do want to just be done with him. like really just cut off everything. the only way we communicate right now is online. we don’t text or call or see each other coz everyone is making sure we don’t communicate anymore. they have a point, i know that. self-preservation, pride and concern so nobody else will get hurt (like his ex-gf). sigh. maybe i should. besides, he’s not interested in our baby anyway.

it puzzles me that some guys can just not care even if it’s their own flesh and blood. maybe coz we were both not in love with each other. infatuated we both were but no love lost.

still, in the end, there’s this miracle, this tiny person inside me who is now 12 weeks and 3 days! very exciting and wonderful! i really can’t wait to see him or her. life is good.


11 weeks pregnantI am now eleven weeks and 6 days. my morning sickness is no longer as horrible as it was before. i am so thankful for that. i finally heard the beating of my baby’s heart. it was music to my ears. i was at awe the entire time the doctor was doing the ultrasound. then when the baby was being observed and we were about to  measure her length, she started to do a backflip and then a somersault! it was so cool! i never thought she can already move. and though i’m not having twins, my consolation was that maybe i’ll have the twins when they also have a father who would be overjoyed to have them as well. i mean, it’s nice to share the miracle of life.

so my greatest high for the rest of the month until my next check-up was the image that my baby (maybe it’s a girl) is one very active and happy baby inside my womb. best mother’s day present ever!

i am slowly gaining weight and i don’t know for how long i can hide my growing tummy.

i have this trip to Singapore to look forward to and then KL. then a week later, i’m going home.

i can’t wait to be with my family again.